By Adaora Williams
For a long time now, I have been fighting my worst enemy, my mind. I must say it’s difficult losing a constant battle with yourself when you want nothing more but to win the war. A war between your mind and your inner peace. Hoping for nothing more but to wake up every morning, and to feel ‘normal’. To go to sleep feeling happy and pleased with life and what it has to offer. However, this concept that I would one day wake up and my burdens would no longer exist, was just a figment of my imagination. Needless to say, I think everybody secretly wishes to be ‘normal’. To have that ‘it’ factor, to have the ‘perfect’ life. Although, I do believe that imperfections can be perceived/seen as perfections... it’s just a matter of perspective. Don’t you think?
As a teenager I went through various phases of wanting to be something spectacular, to hold value in today’s society. Unfortunately, in trying to secure a significant place in this world, I got lost in myself and spiraled into a storm of thoughts, an overwhelming hurricane of emotions. Losing myself each time I tried to be something I wasn’t, and I suppose that’s the thing about life, if you try to be something you’re not - you’ll end up being nothing. It’s extreme to admit that nothing is where I am at the moment, but nothing is where I must begin.
Which brings me to my current stage in life today; hurting and healing. It is a challenge in itself to be 20 and not know what, where or even how I want to live my life, or who I want to be. To be surrounded by so many passionate, talented, and inspired young people and yet feel so lost about the concept of life. I gather this is why I indulge in constant battles with myself, as I assume I can never be good enough because I don’t have what she or he has in their possession. Ultimately, forgetting that I can never endure true happiness until I let go of what I think my life is supposed to be like, and enjoy the little things that it has given me. For instance; my parents, my friends and my education, just prime examples of things that I have taken for granted because I’m so obsessed with what everyone else around me has, and what they’re doing with themselves. (Which for the record, I know isn’t healthy but has taken me time to admit.)
I’m still growing and I honestly couldn’t explain how the fire inside me is still burning, but I am doing it, and I am proud of myself. Proud for continuing to fight my thoughts for my own happiness, the inner peace of which I crave so much of. As you read this, I hope that you are reminded that you are not alone. Mental illness can be extremely challenging, leaving you doubting yourself and overthinking every single step in your life. Which is why I am here to tell you that it is okay to not be okay, but it is also important that you remember that you will not be stuck in your situations forever. So, do not confuse a season of struggle for a lifetime of unhappiness.
I promise you that there is hope, even when your mind tells you there isn’t.